Sleepless

I’m gonna talk about a really weird thing, okay?

So I’m back in my hometown. It’s been quite long. It’s been around 8 months. And at first, I was really excited to come back. I was so looking forward to it. But now that I’m here, I feel nothing. I just feel like I don’t belong here. My bed doesn’t feel like MY bed anymore. And it is so damn weird. The room that I decorated with my own hand seems unknown to me now. I know it’s been long, but boy, how can I forget my home? Isn’t it weird?

To be honest, I find it scary. Like, was I never attached to this place? I spent 18 fucking years of my life in this room that I don’t even seem to remember. How is that even possible? So what I think is, there can be two things. Either I’m so heartless that I don’t give a shit about my hometown or….. things have actually changed. For real. Maybe because most of my friends have moved out of town or maybe because some of my family is not here, anymore. Maybe that’s the reason I feel this way. Maybe this room meant nothing to me without my sister in it. Maybe for me, home never meant the place I live in but the people I live my life with. Maybe it was always about the people. My people.

This is probably the first time I’m missing them so much. Because when I’m in Bombay, I’m so busy and occupied that I don’t get time to think about these things. That’s one reason I haven’t been active on my blog lately, too. My new life in Bombay is so so overwhelming lol. But anyway, I got to learn a little something new about myself today. So I think I can peacefully sleep in my not so homely bed now. Duh, whatever.

Fuck You 2017.

2017 has been a terrible year to me. Bad days, broken friendships, fucked up school life, every damn thing. It just all sucked. Well, it didn’t start off so bad. But towards the end, I just had it all. I mean, 2016 was so good. It was like the best year. But of course, life cannot be the same always. It has to change. That’s just the way it is. So, I expected a little change. Or a little more. But I didn’t expect a plethora of changes. I just didn’t see it coming. I was not at all prepared for it. At least, God should have warned me. He should have told me something like, “Darling, what you just saw, was just a well made trailer. Now I’ll show you what a super flop movie your life is.” 

So to begin with, I made all the wrong decisions. In order to focus on my studies, I decided to quit WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, etc. It wasn’t that a big deal for me, for I was anyway not addicted to social media. But I soon joined WhatsApp, for I couldn’t call each and every person I wanted to talk to. Also, I started  binge watching shows on YouTube and Netflix. 

Then I decided to stop going out with my friends, for parties, get togethers, etc (You know, I was doing all this in order to score well in my board exams). It just made me a dull and boring person. I wanted to save time but I ended up wasting more time than before. I started thinking about things. A lot. That was the worst part. Soon, I was gheraod with sadness. Then followed a set of bad days. 

School was terrible as well. Teachers used to scold me, like all the fucking time. There were assignments, projects to do. Attendance was another big trouble. My classmates, ugh. They are pretty bad people, believe me. So I hated school, but still had to go. I just wanted it to end as quickly as possible.

I wanted to study, but I just couldn’t. All these efforts, they just went in vain. In fact, I was studying lesser now. Scoring lesser. I started going out again when just a month was left for my first term. I don’t know what I was trying to do. A set of other things happened too, that I don’t want to mention. In a nutshell, this year sucked. As hell. I used to think, what problems can I have? I’m just seventeen years old. But boy, 2017 not only turned me into an eighteen year old but also showed me what adulthood is. Full of shit. 

But you know what, it’s okay. I made it the way it was. I take charge of it. And I’m happy now. Because I’ve kind of envisaged my 2018. It will be better. I’m gonna make it better. I’m ready for the challenges as well. And I’m not gonna dissapoint myself. I have still got some time for my boards. And as they say, it’s never too late. 
Lol, this was like an outrage post. But never mind. At least, I feel relieved. And now, I’m just looking for a better 2018. So 2017, I just have one thing to say – fuck you! 

I hope that you’re okay.

I know I will never be able to tell you this but I really miss you. It’s been two months since I last saw you. And believe me, these have been the most difficult two months of my life. I want to apologise. I know I’m a bad person. I hurt you. I’m sorry. I really am. But you know what? It wasn’t easy for me too. The way you looked into my eyes that day was enough for me to know that you loved me. And it was so heartbreaking to see you like that. It killed me on the inside. I felt so helpless. I wanted all the others to disappear. I wanted to be just with you, so that I could tell you everything that was going on in my mind. But I couldn’t.  

My friends, they tell me now – You seemed upset that day. Yes, I was sad because you were sad. How could have I enjoyed when I knew how low you were feeling? You think I didn’t know? How could I have not known? You were not talking. Not eating. You weren’t even looking at me. It’s weird that it affected me so much. But it did. It still does.

You were such a good friend. And you were always just a call away. Whenever I used to call you, you’d be there in like ten minutes. I wish I could call you now. And I won’t mind if you take more than ten minutes. Even if it takes ten hours, I’ll wait. I wish we could talk like before. Take long walks together. Sing together. Be together.

I don’t know if things will ever become better between us. I don’t know if this is the end. I don’t even know what you mean to me. I was confused then, and I am confused now. You know what the funny part is? I told you that “I’ll certainly get over it but I don’t know if you can.” Now I realise that getting over is not a cakewalk. It takes time and patience. But don’t worry, I’m working on it. 

I’ve realised that it’s really hard to mend broken relationships. Well, I do know that everything will become better someday. Because you know, life goes on. But sometimes, I just can’t see things falling back into place. I know that I need to let go. But in the back of my mind, I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. 

And I just hope a few things. I hope you miss me too. I hope your throat is okay. I hope you’re studying well because it’s hard for me to study these days. I hope you think about me, like I do. Maybe sometimes when you sing, you think of me. I wonder if you still use the coffee mug that I gave you. I think you do. I hope it reminds you of me. I hope things are good with you. And I really hope that you’re okay.  

That one weird feeling!

Man, finally! It has happened. For real! I thought I was ready for it but I’m scared now. Why is it that I’m tensed? Why is my heart beating so fast? Why am I feeling hungry all of a sudden? Wait, this is strange. What is wrong with me? I wanted it to happen. And it did. Then what’s wrong? I should be fine. Happy. Satisfied. 

But I’m not. Does this happen to everyone? Or it’s just me? I know all this is kinda new to me. Very new. But I like him. I really do. Then what is it that’s stopping me? What could it be? I need to talk to someone. I should. But whom should I call? It’d be even more weird for the person whom I tell this. That person would be bewildered. Shocked to find me in such a situation.

Oh my dear God, okay. Now I know. I feel like this because it’s ME. This is happening to ME. I’m the one who’s confused this time. This is not like the other times when my friends have guy issues and I help them out. This is about ME. And It’s difficult. Complicated. 

Well, I’ll probably sleep now. That’s what I’m gonna do. Sleep. Perfect antidote to any serious frustration. It’s not frustration, of course. It’s just….something else. Something new. Something I’m not used to. Something I’ll get through tomorrow morning. Yes, tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day. That one day. For now, I’ll just sleep. Peaceful and quiet. Sleep. 

How I Became A Bibliophile!

I was never really a book person. I was one of those people who say, “Why to read an entire novel when you can watch a 3 hour movie?” I couldn’t even read a summary, let alone read a whole book. 

My brother wanted me to read novels. He used to suggest me books and all. So one day, he asked me to read The Kite Runner. He said it’s a wonderful book. But I resorted to the movie adaptation of it. I really liked it. And to my surprise, I had a strong urge to read the book too. I didn’t have much of a problem reading it since the language was pretty easy.

So, I started off with Khaled Hosseini, the author of The Kite Runner. I read all his three books. At this point, I was starting to enjoy reading. Then I took to other authors – J.D Salinger, Paulo Coelho, Nicholas Sparks, Rainbow Rowell, etc. Apparently, I’ve read around 48 novels – fiction and non-fiction. 

I realised, there are so many great things books do to you. They make you a lot more creative. They expand your mind and broaden your thinking. They travel your mind to a new place. Someplace which is amazing, where you can create your own world. To be honest, books change the way you live. Make it better. 

So, I’m a bibliophile now. I love reading books. I feel I just cannot get enough of them. Man, I was so wrong hitherto. I was missing out on so much intriguing stuff. But as they say, better late than never. So my dear readers, go and read that damn book you always wanted to read. Also, grab a cup of hot coffee. It serves as a cherry on the top. ; ) 

She who’s no more,

To her,

I know it has been just a while since you left but it feels like a decade has been gone by. I wish you were here. Because I miss you. I really do. Sometimes more than I should. I really wish the car crash never happened. But it did. And now I can do nothing about it. I can’t bring you back.

Do you remember the time when you asked me what if one of us dies? I told you to stop being stupid and shut up. Now that I think of it, I guess I was too afraid to answer your question. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. You were special. You were a part of my life. You still are. 

And I don’t want to cry when I think of you, so I try to recollect the crappy things we’ve done together. The bitching stuff, running like madmen, shouting on the top of our voices, making fun of people, giving lame advises to classmates, everything. Everything was so much fun with you.   We binge-watched f.r.i.e.n.d.s together. You know how we cried while watching the last episode. You made me cry even more when you said it was the only good thing in our lives. To be honest, you were the only good thing in MY life. 

You were always a cry baby. You just couldn’t handle break ups. Maybe because you cared way too much for the people in your life. That’s what made you different. You didn’t easily give up on relationships. You knew how to forgive. That’s something that I never possessed.

You made me a better person somehow. You gave me strength. You made me realise that you were as stupid as I was. I was not the only one. But now that you’re gone, it’s just me and my stupidity. I just want you to know that I love you. I always did. And I always will. No matter what. I may have other friends but no one could ever replace you. Because you’re unique. And special. Keep loving me like you always have. 

– Your soul sister 

Dear Shahrukh,

Dear Shahrukh, 
Thank you. Thank you so much for making my day. I saw you. And now, I can finally cross this off my bucket list. I know I have done my share of screaming and crying (I never cry, though), I still can’t get over the fact that I saw you. You were right there, right in front of me. I had gone berserk. 

I know a lot of people have probably seen you before. And it’s not a big deal for Mumbaikars and all. But, it meant a lot to me. To be honest, I felt infinite at that moment. I really did. 

To all those who’ve ever said you’re old and wrinkled, you’re NOT. You’re charming as hell. You’re so damn hot. And that wide grin on your face, it killed me. It really did. I’m stuck in a traffic for like half an hour now. I have done a hell lot of crying. But still, I’m so damn happy. I bought a T shirt from Linking Road without even bargaining. Now you know how happy I am.

You’re The King Of Romance, The King Khan, The Badshah. But for me, you’re the wittiest man with the most perfect dimples. You’re so amazing. You’re the man who is capable of being nice and sarcastic at the same time.

How do you do it, Sir? How do you do it? 

I fell in love with you as a kid, I still love you as a 17 year old teen, and will always do. Even in my eighties when I’m all toothless and hairless. I really will. 

Lots of love,

Your true Fangirl

Another year in India

Day 1 of 2017 – I went out with my friends to celebrate my birthday at a club on the crowded streets of our Metropolitan city. We drank, we danced, we sang and then we walked home safe. Surprising, no guy along the way, stared at us or teased us or touched us. And yes, we were wearing short dresses.
Day 2 of 2017 – I got off late from work. It was probably around 11:20 at night. My phone was dead. I had no option so I took a cab. The driver stopped the cab in the middle of the road and told me there was some problem with the vehicle. He called someone and asked him to come. I was standing in the middle of some street with an unknown guy and was frightened as hell. He told me not to worry as he had arranged another cab for me. The other cab driver dropped me home safely.
Day 3 of 2017 – I went to watch a movie at a male friend’s place. After the movie got over, we had a few drinks. My friend asked his other male friends to come over. When they came, we talked a bit and had more drinks. I don’t know what happened after that. I wasn’t in my senses, I guess. All I know is that I woke up next morning in my friend’s bedroom, but alone. All the guys slept in the hall. Actually, on top of one another.
Day 4 of 2017 – I was travelling in a local train at night. There were all men in the train except me and other two women. The two ladies got off the train after 10 minutes. Now, I was the only woman in there. The next station was far away. My heart started beating faster for obvious reasons. I spent half an hour praying to God. When my station came, I got off immediately realising it wasn’t a big deal.
Day 5 of 2017 – I was walking on the streets of my conservative neighbourhood in shorts and a sleeveless top. The neighbourhood aunties didn’t stare at me. They didn’t comment on me or on my clothing. The neighbourhood boys who used to call me names didn’t call me a slut or a whore. They didn’t abuse me or tease me. I could see everybody smiling and minding their own business.
I was never introduced to this world. A world where women walk freely without fear and are not groped or touched inappropriately by miscreants, a world where women are treated as humans, a world where women enjoy themselves and live a happy life. I want each day of my life to be like these five days. 

#feminism #mystory #freewomen #mentality #rapeculture #betterworld